Names, again….

Baby naming is a ritual perhaps second only to weddings in its strange power to transform otherwise normal adults into obsessive (understandable!), petty and interfering (unfortunate!) crazies.   On Friday, I wrote about how the CHLC took a turn this way, when a woman wrote in that she and her brother are expecting children within two weeks of each other.  The brother has the estimated time “advantage,” and he’s being territorial about claiming a name.  She had no idea what name he wanted  (or the gender of the child she was carrying), but was tempted to deliberately use “his” name–regardless of what it was–just to make him mad.  For the rest of their lives.

With my Friday afternoon wrapping up on this note, and a quiet weekend ahead, it’s no surprise that I ended up spending a lot of time over the next few days on babynamewizard.com and digging through the archives of Ask the Name Lady, in search of more horror stories.

And….speaking of horror….today’s letter fit the bill:

Q: My nephew’s baby has already been born, but the name they chose will give you goosebumps. Damien. Are they in their right minds? I find it truly embarrassing. I think so many people have seen all the “Omen” movies. I know there is nothing you can do. I just felt like talking about it.

A: Don’t give up hope, there may be something I can do after all. I can persuade you that a demonic child in a horror movie isn’t a bad association for your grand-nephew’s name.

No, I’m not coming down on the side of demons. I’m just reporting on the realities of fashion. Strange as it may seem, a film appearance as the spawn of Satan is a reliable recipe for a fashionable baby name. Take a look at this lineup of classic horror movie kids:

Rosemary’s Baby (1968): Adrian

The Exorcist (1973): Regan

The Omen (1976): Damien

Pet Sematary (1989): Gage

Every one of these names soared in popularity after the movies came out. Somehow, parents were able to look past the glowing eyes, spinning heads and projectile vomit to say “hey, that’s a catchy name!” Damien is an especially clear case, because of the spelling. Damien-with-an-e is the French version of the old saint’s name Damian. After The Omen came out, it quickly leapfrogged the traditional English spelling.

Why the craze for cursed kiddies? I don’t think it’s a national turn to the dark side. It’s about they way screenwriters came up with those names to begin with. They aimed for names that were unusual but not weird, with a slight air of formality or mystery about them. That’s a mighty stylish recipe — unusual and formal are totally in. So rest easy. The same ingredients that made Damien a perfect choice for a ’70s horror movie also make it a perfect choice for a 21st-century American family.

It seems to me, though, that not all these names are equal.  Damien and Adrian both have long historical and religious associations that pre-date the single horror movie link (both date back to the Classical era, one Greek, one Roman).  At the other end of the spectrum, Gage was virtually unknown before Pet Sematary, so had novelty going for it to outweigh its creepy association.

But Regan?  Poor Regan.  It’s possible that I’m more interested in this name because I almost was a Regan–the two defeating factors being that 1) my dad didn’t like it and 2) I was born during the Reagan administration and they feared the name would be seen as some kind of political statement.

But there should have been a 3): the name is freakin’ cursed!  What historical and literary Regans can you name?  King Lear’s nasty daughter?  The Exorcist, of course.  Ken Follett reinforced the negative link when he gave the name to the vicious Regan Hamleigh in his epic Pillars of the Earth.

The name could have a lot going for it–it’s feminine without being girly.  Unusual, but has historical clout.  It doesn’t immediately call to mind old ladies.  But I think it has a lot farther to go than the others in overcoming its evil ties.

Crazy is my middle name!

Whoa.  Just a regular Friday on the Carolyn Hax Live Chat–I refresh the chat while waiting for my scripts to run, folks are writing in about troubled marriages, hypothetical dogs, moribund cohabitational situations, high-stakes weddings, etc.  The us.  (OK, seriously, how do you spell “the us,” as in, “the usual,” so it doesn’t look like “the us?”  The youzjh? )  And then things took a turn for the wacky:

Namesake Name Stakes: My brother and I are both expecting children this December. His is 2 weeks ahead. He is having a boy. I am finding out next week what I am having. He has told my mom that he’s going to make sure to get his name decided just in case I have a boy too so he gets the name he wants. For the record, I have no idea what name that would be, but am guessing it’s some family name or another. Since he’s being so weird about it, I’m tempted to name my child the same thing he does whether girl or boy. Or at least telling him so. What do you think? I mean, clearly I’m just going to see what happens because I’m not crazy like he is, but in the mean time…

Carolyn Hax: Great. A bunch of babies having babies.

I think the thing that blows my mind the most is how completely un-self-aware this person is.  I mean, if you’re following the CHLC, you probably didn’t just stumble upon it (considering how inconsistent and unfindable the links often are….ahem, WaPo…).  You’re a fan.  Which suggests you’ve read CH before.  Which suggests…..you ought to know better than to announce this like you’re proud of it and you think she’s going to agree with you.  Eh?

FWIW, I think there’s nothing wrong with cousins having the same name, in particular if it’s a family name.  This happens in Greek families all the time, right?  Georges and Nicks galore, up and down all branches of the family tree?  Of course every family is different, and some are lucky enough to live and be close, but I see my cousins like once  year (if that).  Except for the very day(s) that the names are announced, I just don’t see how it can possibly make a difference to anyone.  And I’m a names girl.

And then, a few minutes later, this woman wrote in:

Re: Naming: Seriously, this whole baby naming business gets crazy sometimes. We picked out a baby name that was normal and that we enjoyed, and when we told the rest of the family they said they didn’t like it and were going to call the baby Jake regardless of his real name because that was a better name. Um…thanks for confusing my kid?!

OMG! I wonder if she is the mother of the same “not-Jake” mentioned in “Ask the Name Lady” back in Februrary? It has to be, right?  How many families out there calling babies not-named-Jake Jake can there be out there?

Don’t answer that….

Out of Season

Carolyn totally re-purposed an excerpt from her December 23 Christmas chat in today’s (or really, tomorrow’s) column.  She does this pretty regularly, expanding upon questions answered on the fly in her live chat by formalizing them in her column…used to bug me (I’ve already read this!), doesn’t anymore.

But this one? This was explicitly about driving from one parents’ house to another for Christmas.  I even already blogged about it! She’s simply replaced the word “holiday” with “visiting” throughout:

Dear Carolyn:

Any tips for surviving driving my sister from one parent’s house to the other this weekend? It’s a three-hour trip and she commandeers my radio, criticizes my driving, and generally drives me nuts every time we’re in the car. Plus, she’ll be really late, and want to stop at every Starbucks we pass, which will make her have to pee. I’m anticipating the three-hour drive will take roughly 4.5 with her in the car. How do I do it so we arrive at parent No. 2’s house with me still in the visiting spirit?

Anonymous

Read this, appreciate how funny it is, and treat yourself to a foofy somethingorother-uccino at one (if not all) of the stops.

This is all fine, I suppose.  This doesn’t really have to be a holiday issue.  Though it was way funnier when it was, and mixed in with the context of everyone else’s family disasters.

I guess I just don’t see the point.  It’s one thing when a complicated proble requires a nuanced, complex answer, and truly benefits from a more intensive treatment in the column than Carolyn can spare in the live chat.  I’ve seen examples like this before.

But this one is clearly for entertainment only.  She doesn’t have much to say about it.  And it was funnier with Santa hats and eggnog in the landscape.  With the number of letters Carolyn surely receives each day, I guess I just don’t get why she bothered to revive this one, which already had its moment back in December.

Brother’s (Book)Keeper?

Letter:

Dear Amy:
My 45-year-old brother-in-law has always been financially irresponsible. He filed for bankruptcy. Currently, he and his second wife live with my father-in-law and do not pay rent or help with any bills. My 90-year-old father-in-law’s bank account is being depleted because of the son’s irresponsibility.

My husband and I have always been responsible with our finances. Last week we received a message on our answering machine from a collection agency asking for my brother-in- law to be responsible and pay his bills.

This is the second such call we have received. He has never lived with us, and I am unsure of how the collection agency got our phone number.
I believe that my brother-in-law should be told that we have received this call and should take steps toward becoming responsible.

My husband says it is none of our business.

Who is right? — Frustrated

Dear Frustrated:
Your husband may know more than he is telling you.
For instance, it is possible that he has agreed to co-sign for a loan with his brother. This would explain how a collection agency had your phone number, and why your husband might want to ignore the calls.

You should ask your husband and call the collection agency to get to the bottom of your household’s entanglement in his brother’s finances. Your father-in-law’s financial situation should be a priority for you and your husband. If you two have always been responsible with your finances, you may be able to influence and mentor your father-in-law to protect his dwindling resources.

If you don’t tackle this now, it will fall into your lap eventually — and the situation will only grow more chaotic.

Amy is right that it’s possible the husband/brother co-signed on a loan with his irresponsible sibling…which would mean they’re all now in hot water. As she suggests, it would explain why he’s unwilling to deal with the phone calls. However, if the couple has “always” been financially responsible, and this is the first time collection calls are coming to them (in other words, the husband doesn’t have a history of slipping his brother cash behind his wife’s back), it seems a bit of a harsh accusation to make…

The only loans I’m familiar with are federal school loans, so I don’t know if this applies to other borrowing situations. But having just completed a bunch of exit interviews, I know that borrowers are required to give the names and contact information of “references” who will be contacted by the collection agency if the borrower defaults on their loan. I also know that these references don’t have to give their permission or consent to be named on the form.

They’re not co-signers–not responsible for the loan–but they will be contacted and unfortunately, suffer for the wrongdoing of others if the borrower can’t be found or refuses to contact the lending agency to make arrangements to pay back the loan.

It’s my (very uneducated) guess that this is what has happened….I hope the woman who wrote in will try to ask some open ended questions before assuming that her husband co-signed on a loan with his brother. And even more, I hope he didn’t do that very foolish thing at all.

Show off and Tell

When I read this letter to Abby, I worried that I was guilty of the same thing as this sister:

DEAR ABBY: I am a 35-year-old recovering addict currently 23 months clean and sober. I have worked hard to get to where I am today.

My problem concerns my sister. She constantly brings my addiction up to other people around me. I almost feel like she’s trying to make a spectacle of me. I know I’m an addict, and I am dealing with it. I work my steps, my program and my recovery every day. I have learned much about this terrible disease, and I am tired of feeling like a sideshow freak when my sister brings it up. Any suggestions on how to handle this? — RECOVERING BIG SIS

The writer is right of course–this is her personal, private matter to deal with, and it is not the sister’s place to make it public against her will. However, I think it’s likely that the sister is not trying to make the writer uncomfortable or embarrassed–rather, it may be that she is thrilled about her recovery and proud of her hard work to overcome addition.

I have friends who have overcome immense personal challenges with great success, and when people ask what they’re up to or how they’re doing, I’m usually delighted to report all the great things they’ve accomplished. I don’t make reference to ancient history, but usually the person asking the question was aware of it to begin with–which is why they’re asking for an update. Sometimes, I guess, celebrating triumph can imply that previously there was a lack of it.

It never even occurred to me that I might be embarrassing my friends by violating their privacy, and this letter really brought that to my attention and made me think hard about it. It’s something I will keep in mind in the future.

In this particular situation, an important difference seems to be that the sister is bringing it up to a third party with the writer present. In other words, in conversation the writer opts not to bring up her addiction when the opportunity presents itself, and then the sister jumps in and does it. That’s definitely terribly inappropriate, and Abby said as much:

DEAR BIG SIS: First, ask your sister why she feels compelled to bring up such a private matter with others. Then explain that when she talks about it, it makes you uncomfortable, and ask her to please stop. If she doesn’t comply, limit your time with her.