Rescue Mission Gets Rear Ended

Dear Amy: In an effort to build team spirit, our office had a group outing. My friend, an administrative assistant in the firm, had a meltdown, cried and panicked about the group activity we were going to do.

Seeming to come to her aid, an elderly male principal in the firm calmed her down and offered to go for a walk in lieu of the outing. He then proceeded to persuade her to be his guest and visit the local women’s art museum.

Rather than view the paintings, he spent the entire time ogling my friend’s behind. Every time she looked at him, his eyes were on her backside. She told me it was creepy and made her feel very uncomfortable.

When they rejoined the group, this man’s face was so full of lust that he was dripping in it. As her friend, I’ve recommended she report this sexual harassment to the human resource office. But she’s afraid this man, given his position in the firm, will retaliate. He is still ogling her behind whenever he thinks no one is looking.

Should I report what I know? How can I help my friend? — Worried in D.C.

Gaaaaaah!  This is exactly why offices should not do these recreational team-building outings!

Ok, OK, I’m not really suggesting that without the opportunity provided by a day of corporate Whirlyball, this guy wouldn’t be a creepy lech.  I’m sure that he still would–in fact, Amy says in her response that he may be a “known ogler,” and I agree that that’s likely.  But the whole situation is just screwed up!

First, if you do your job well–the job for which you were hired–and you’re collegial with your colleagues, you should not be required to also play softball/do a high ropes course/go whitewater rafting/put on a giant padded sumo wrestling suit and attempt to tackle your co-workers.  That’s not what you were hired for.  It has nothing to do with your job.  It’s a waste of company time, talent and treasure (as it were). And it clearly totally failed to build team unity because…..

…an employee flipped out, and she got out of the activity.  OK.  Well, she probably wasn’t the only person who didn’t want to participate.  She’s clearly the only one who had an irrational, visceral reaction  (I actually totally get where she’s coming from.  Softball gives me heart palpitations.)  but there are probably plenty of others who found the activity unpleasant and/or a waste of time–and they still had to go. I think it’s ridiculous to require participation in this kind of thing, but if it is required, it should be for everyone.  If she absolutely could not participate without having a breakdown of some kind, she should quietly seek to be excused.  A company higher up, obviously, should not take her on a private field trip to the local art museum (conveniently getting himself out of the group activity and alone with her).

So she’s doubly at a disadvantage: in addition to being ogled by her superior, she’s going to be resented by her colleagues for  getting out of team building and stepping out with a heavy hitter–they may even question what went on between them when they disappeared all afternoon.  So just as she’s looking for support to report what’s going on, her colleagues are probably looking for an explanation for the special treatment…and it seems unlikely to be a positive one.

So much for team-building!

Ask Amy vs. Ask Amy

This is a brief follow-up to last night’s very long post concerning the blogger backlash to Amy Dickinson’s column about a college student who wanted to know if what happened to her at a frat party was rape. At the end of a post in The Sexist criticizing this column, Amanda Hess writes,

“As this column makes clear, we should all probably refrain from consulting Ask Amy, as well.

* Note: Amy Dickinson’s “Ask Amy,” a syndicated advice column out of the Chicago Tribune, is not to be confused with the “Ask Amy” advice column penned by Amy Richards, published at Feminist.com.”

I’ve read Amy Richards…and here are some excerpts of what she’s written to women with questions and uncertainties about rape and sexual harrassment:

To a woman who had been abused as a child and is now unable to maintain a healthy sexual relationship:

“Unfortunately, I’m not a “doctor” and, therefore, can’t professionally answer your question. However, through my work with women’s issues, I am familiar with many resources in response to sexual abuse. I also personally know many people who have had similar experiences.” (Amy then recommends a number of books)

To a woman who is receiving uncomfortable comments from her (female) apartment manager:

“Sexual harassment is a fine line and I’m not an expert . . . it sounds like a good first step would be to simply tell your apartment manager that although she may mean for her comments to be flattering, they make you feel uncomfortable. If that doesn’t work, maybe try subtle threats and if that doesn’t work….maybe look for a new apartment. “

And finally, to a woman describing an upsetting sexual encounter with her boyfriend:

“Your question is not unlike many others that I have received over the years — not necessarily the exact details, but the fuzziness when it comes to rape. For some people it’s very clear when it is/was rape — they felt violated and felt that rape is/was the most accurate description of what happened to them. However, most people are less clear about how to describe what happened to them — and even less clear about what they want to do about it. Even if people are describing “it” as rape – they are resistant to entirely labeling it in that way because they then think they have to act upon it and they don’t always want to. Rape is also very personal — what one person experiences as rape, another person wouldn’t necessarily and so in that way it becomes harder to talk about universally since we aren’t always having the same conversation.

I say this all by way of comfort — your mixed, confused feelings seem entirely natural and in sync with most people that I interact with. In terms of what you should do…of course, only you can answer that.”

I’m not quoting these to respond to or comment on Amy’s advice (in fact, in these quotes I haven’t always included her advice). Just pointing out that, even for a woman who writes at http://www.feminist.com, and who is endorsed by the very bloggers who blasted Amy, things get a lot more tentative when you’re advising a specific person who needs medical attention, therapy, legal advice, or possibly all three. The question of “what exactly happened here, and what can I do?” isn’t much clearer to this Ask Amy than to the other one–and both of them seem to recognize that it’s rarely as black and white as the bloggers want it to be.

I’ll agree, of course, that this Amy Richards is softer and friendlier than Amy Dickinson–each of her responses seems to start with “thanks for writing and I’m sorry for what you’re going through.” But niceties aside–the meat of it is largely the same:

Abby is a Sassy Pants!

As you may or may not know, “Dear Abby” is written by Jeanne Phillips, the daughter of the original “Abby,” Pauline Phillips (twin sister of Esther Lederer, aka Ann Landers…it’s an inbred field!)

That’s Pauline on the left, and Jeanne on the right. (Borrowed this picture from http://www.mayoclinic.org/news2005-rst/2718.html, which borrowed it from somewhere else, with more permission than I have.)

Jeanne has been the voice behind Abby for a number of years, but lately, something has changed. I wish I could dig out the column that first triggered this thought in my mind (MUST figure out how to access column archives on the Trib website). In April, I swear something snapped in Jeanne, and since then she’s been sassy to the point of snarkiness…even bordering on bitter. It’s a flavor I’d never picked up before in her column, but for the last few months it’s been particularly evident. Today’s column is a good example.

The writer has a pretty major dilemma: a friend has admitted that she’s being sexually harrassed at work, but is afraid to report it, because the perpetrator is a major client, and turning him in could jeopardize her employment.

Abby gives the expected, and I thnk we’d all agree, the politically correct, answer: “It is important that Millie report what has been happening to her boss. It is her employer’s responsibility to see that she is not bothered…Whatever is driving your friend’s harasser, it is vital for Millie’s emotional well-being that the person is stopped. Laws protect people in the workplace, but only if the harassment is reported.”

But look what comes in the middle, the “…” part: “I have long thought that people who use their position of power to sexually harass are either so pathologically narcissistic they can’t believe everyone isn’t bowled over by their charm (which, of course, is delusional thinking), or so pitifully unattractive and insecure they must bully their target into submission.”

WHOA! Abby, tell us what you really think! I sort of like her new ‘tude, but it does throw me off. As I mentioned before, we expect a certain level of consistency from our advisors. Even if I like the change, it makes me wonder….what’s going on with Abby? Is she cracking down, or just cracking up?