Can’t have your hot dog and eat it too….

Although I get that this guest is upset about not getting to eat (I would be hungry and quite possibly cranky as well), I can’t quite figure out how he or she has rationalized it so the hosts are at fault:

DEAR ABBY: I was recently invited to a friend’s home for dinner. When I arrived just a few minutes past the time I was told the meal would be served, I found that everyone had finished eating. I was asked if I’d like something to eat and offered a plate, but refused because I would have felt uncomfortable eating alone while everyone else stood around visiting. I stayed about an hour and left.

[There are two more paragraphs here, but I’ve omitted them–they’re about how the guest brought it up with the hosts the next day and much less interesting, except for a key quote: “They felt that because everyone else had arrived earlier in the day and the food was ready, that it was OK. They also said I shouldn’t have gotten so upset about it.”]


In her response, Abby makes a distinction between two kinds of parties:

If the invitation read, “Come between 3 p.m. and 6 p.m.” and you were the last to arrive “a few minutes past the time the meal was to be served,” then I can understand why the other guests started without you. However, if you were told that dinner was scheduled for 6 o’clock and when you arrived you were offered their leftovers, then your feelings are understandable.

What stands out to me is that this person doesn’t seem to know which kind of party it is (an open house, or a sit-down dinner party)…and in fact didn’t behave appropriately for either type of party.

That everyone else arrived earlier “in the day” (not 20 minutes ago) suggests that it was, well, an all-day event. In these types of situations hosts may not often take a careful accounting of their guests because people come and go, and sometimes don’t even show–which they may have assumed was the case with this guest. The meal tends to be less formal, and the eating distributed and wandering. If that’s the type of event it was, the guest’s refusal to eat when offered (almost out of spite it seems) was his/her own fault.

If, on the other hand, it was a formal dinner where everyone was seated at a communal table, yes, it would have been odd for the guest to discover the meal over, done, and cleared when he or she arrived “a few minutes” late. However, it also would have been odd for the guest to expect them to hold the meal for his/her tardy arrival. Would the other guests be sitting around the table, pounding their silverware? Did this guest just want to make an entrance? I haven’t been to many formal dinner parties, but if the meal was to be served at 6, I’d probably plan to arrive between 5:30 and 5:45 to greet folks, hang up my coat, and eat a cracker or two before we all sat down.

There are many factors that could impact the rudeness (or not) of all this: how many people were there (10 or 100)? Was it inside or outside (hot dish or hot dogs)? When dinner was served, did the guests all sit at one table, then get up when the meal was finished, or were people carrying their plates around with them, sitting, standing, and mingling (dinner party, or just party)? Had the guest let the hosts know he or she would be arriving later?

Also have to say, if everyone was there all day and only this guest showed up later–not even at the appointed time, but after it–it really comes across as though he or she was just in it for the free meal, which makes me less inclined to be sympathetic.

What do you think? Does it sound like the guest was out of line, or like the hosts played a bait-n-switch and screwed him/her out of dinner?


6 responses to “Can’t have your hot dog and eat it too….

  1. To me, it sounds like someone who came specifically for food and was upset when they didn't get it. (And didn't want to eat alone because it would be that much more obvious.) Also, given that the guest says s/he was TOLD a specific time for the meal, this is what I think happened: Host: Would you like to come to our party? It's between 3-6 on Saturday.Guest: Oh, I have more important things to do, but I do love to eat.Host: OK, we're planning to eat around 5:30…(Guest then shows up at 5:45-6, and is shocked that everyone who made the effort to attend the whole party has already eaten)/longpost

  2. Hahahahahaha. "I have more important things to do, but I DO love to eat!"This is how I'm responding to every invitation from now on.

  3. I think the thing to do here – and what I have done in the past when having a busy day and a party to fit in – is say: "Oh, I have a lot going on that day, but I'll definitely try to make it. What time will you be eating?" and then plan the day from there. Either plan on eating elsewhere and show up after the meal, or get your butt there for the food if you want it so badly.

  4. I guess I understand two of the guest's points. I, too, really dislike being the only person eating after everyone else is done (something I should have probably gotten used to by now, since I'm always the last one done). And I think it's always better to show up a few minutes late to a party, rather than a few minutes early. There's nothing like having someone knock on your door at 5:50 when you're still cleaning your house/putting on make-up/etc. for your 6:00 party.All that aside, though, I'm not really clear on why this person is so offended. I'm pretty sure the host didn't invite him/her and then tell all the other guests to eat quickly so that this person can be left feeling hurt and embarrassed. I mean…honest mistake? Why get all bent out of shape over something so minor?

  5. Anne, I thought about that same showing up early issue when I was writing about arriving 15-30 minutes early. That is definitely annoying, if you're like in the shower and the doorbell starts ringing. But for me the difference was that this person didn't show up shortly after the PARTY was supposed to start, but shortly after the FOOD was suppposed to be served. So I didn't get what, exactly, he or she wanted. If you're given a time when the hosts want to put the food on the table and have everyone start eating, I think you should plan to be there and settled and comfortable BEFORE that time.

  6. On a relatively unrelated note – Anne, please join me in thanking Becky for the "hot dish or hot dogs" line! Thank you for recognizing hot dish as a serious, sit-down cuisine. Too many people bandy about with their casseroles; I take my pasta/meat/soup-or-sauce-or soup as sauce- combinations very seriously!

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